How To: Fix Your Falling Pants in a Hospital

This quick How To comes courtesy of a patient who left against medical advice yesterday.  

Despite attempts on the part of myself, the nursing staff, psychiatric team, and public safety to convince my patient to stay against his better judgment, he insisted on leaving, and given he understood the risks of leaving, we allowed him to do so.  However, before he did, there was another problem at hand.

     "Sir," I said to him, a paranoid schizophrenic, "Your pants are falling down."  

     He smiled, pulling the front waistband forward, realizing he had several inches of give.  "No worries," he said with a devious smile.  "I'll fix it.  Hand me a medium latex glove."  

     The psychiatrist to my right rolled his eyes.  The two public safety officers did the same.

     The patient reached for a medium latex glove from one of the boxes mounted on the wall of his room.  I stood there, with a pen and a form for him to sign out Against Medical Advice.

     "Do you mind signing this?" I said.  

     He ignored me.   He held the latex glove to his waist.  He studied the glove meticulously.  Then, suddenly, he had a moment of Eureka!  He stuck the thumb of the glove through the first belt buckle to the left of his fly.  Next, he threaded the pinky finger of the glove through the first belt buckle to the right of his fly.  He stretched both, pulling his pants taut.  Then, he started to knot the two fingers.  He threw a second knot for good measure.  He jumped up and down.  His pants stayed in place. 

     "There," he said.  "Pants are fixed."

     He snatched the form from me, as well as the pen.  He signed the forms and the patient was promptly escorted out of the hospital.  

     "Impressive," I said to the psychiatrist back at the nurse's station.  "Didn't see that one coming."  

     "The craziest people have the craziest ideas," he responded.