How To: Brace for Atlanta's Next Blizzard

This How To is courtesy of our most recent winter blizzard, January 9-14, 2011.

As a physician, the best advice I can give people is to make prevention the first priority: eat healthy, exercise, and see your doctor regularly.  But sometimes bad things happen and when it happens, we respond and we treat.  

We just experienced the worst blizzard in Atlanta, arguably ever, over this past week.  Management of the Atlanta government and the Georgia Department of Transportation (DOT) not only failed to prevent, but also in the face of near disaster conditions, failed to treat.  What's worse is that they failed to acknowledge that they were and still are underprepared.  What was this great plan for the storm we all kept hearing about?  Since the Atlanta government doesn't want to "waste" funding on commodities such as road plows and salt, here is a list of back-up plans that the Atlanta government and DOT should employ next time a blizzard hits Atlanta: 

Make blizzards illegal.  

Use the power of the legislative process to abolish winter storms.  Game, set, match. 

Order a mandatory 30-day evacuation.  

Meterologists certainly were on the money during the storm, proving more reliable than government at times.  In the event of a future storm, meteorologists can help inform the government of changing weather conditions and, if necessary, orchestrate a mass city evacuation lasting 30 days, which should be adequate time for the entire city to melt back to normalcy.

Convince the masses that the storm isn't happening.

Media is a powerful tool.  In the way we tell lies to protect people, this could be an option to quell everyone's fears: by telling them they're crazy and it's not really happening.

Distribute ice skates. 

Even amidst our best efforts, the roads were still worthy of NHL play.  With driving forbidden, taxis absent, public transportation shut down, the airport closed, and walking ill-advised, a city-wide distribution of ice skates is a suitable Plan B.  

Distribute flame-throwers.  

Though this would be ideal in the hands of the populace, resources can be saved by keeping flame-throwers in the hands of military personnel and having the military divide, conquer, and burn through the streets of Atlanta.  

Distribute shovels (and pain medication).  

Never forget that manual labor is still a powerful and useful tool. 

Invite Native Americans to perform the Sun Dance. 

Since Atlanta's highly-researched preparation plan involved waiting for the sun to arrive, future efforts should be made to coerce the sun into more active duty.  Native Americans can help perform and even teach their religious Sun Dance, which we can employ in winter disaster scenarios.  The Sun Dance may be best utilized during nighttime, a time of day when the sun is peculiarly absent. 

Negotiate with Mother Nature.  

If the Sun Dance fails, then peace negotiations with Mother Nature should be the next logical step.  It's a fine balance between standing firm and avoiding provocation.  A win would be to negotiate blizzards for the summertime, when heat and sun are bountiful.

Hire Manny Pacquiao to fight the blizzard.  

As a proud Filipino, I have no doubt that Manny Pacquiao can tackle the ice storm.  With his fists of fury, he can pulverize the entire blizzard and its manifestations if not by knockout then by unanimous decision, making the storm question its abilities by the end of it all, all while maintaining a natural lower weight class than his opponent.  He can then celebrate by being the headliner at a concert at the Georgia Dome. 

Detonate a sand bomb over Atlanta. 

Let's say Atlanta does invest in salt in the future; it'll be a futile effort with only ten snow plows in the entire city.  Using the advanced capabilities of our armed forces, detonating a sand bomb several miles above Midtown Atlanta could equally distribute sand all the way to 285 and the Perimeter all the while generating a temporary ball of heat to help thaw most roadways. 

 

Hire Bill Belichick & Tom Brady to run the Georgia DOT.

With Bill Belichick at the helm, he will devise a full-proof game plan that will take away a winter storm's biggest strengths while exploiting its major weaknesses.  He will create match-up difficulties and mask his defensive looks to keep the storm honest.  Though they have a young and inexperienced secondary, they bend but don't break.  Belichick & Brady should be able to tame the storm in sixty minutes, only rarely needing extra time.  And if all else fails, Brady's good looks can melt Atlanta in a heartbeat.